Coming Undone Is a Necessary Salvation

The Pressures of Being a Full-Time Caregiver

This week has been very hard for me on top of many hard weeks.

And I was reminded by a fellow writer,

“There’s nothing wrong with you for needing space to heal. 

After years of carrying burdens and navigating relationships that drain your energy, it’s okay to prioritize your own well-being.

Allow yourself the grace to rest, to step back, and to focus on what truly nurtures your soul.”

~ Patrica Williams author of Consciously on Substack

(I highly recommend her writing)

Every time I’ve sat down to write this week I’ve been interrupted or my body has demanded rest. *Writing nurtures my soul but even so, sometimes the body just needs rest.

Other things required my attention and yet I still want to honor my readers and somehow finish my article for you - to show up for you consistently.

The irony, the topic I’ve been working on this week has been on understanding the pendulum swing between under-caring and over-caring so that we can break this pattern and live in equilibrium within ourselves, giving us the strength to endure life’s challenges. 

This is when I chuckle to myself and metaphorically throw up my arms and take my own advice.

Given my publication is about all things related to Mental Health Matters, I cannot neglect my mental health and therefore I ask you for your understanding with my deviation from my usual correspondence.

It’s more important to my well-being that I enjoy the writing process and be satisfied with what I publish than meeting a self-imposed deadline that I feel through my undefined crown chakra. I’m concerned if I allow myself to succumb to the mental pressure to “get it done” that it may adversely impact the quality of my work. I don’t want that either.

Here’s the truth…

This week, I’ve been feeling like I’m coming undone. Like I’ve been holding myself together and a thread has been pulled and I’m unraveling, that I’m coming apart at the seams. It’s unsettling but also necessary.

[This isn’t an example of sensory overwhelm as someone on the spectrum but rather what it’s like being responsible for another person’s wellbeing full time. Parents of “special needs children” can relate to this.]

In many ways, I’ve been holding my breath in a state of constant anticipation for the next possible crisis as it is for paramedics or anyone in the healthcare system or those who are full-time caregivers.

178 Days later (6 days shy of 6 months) my mother has returned home from hospital care after miraculously surviving several close calls. Now my nervous system can finally let go of the anxiety I’ve been living with.

Breathe in…

And breathe out.

This week has been very hard on me, emotionally, mentally, and physically from the moment I got the call saying a bed was available in the same long-term care home that evicted my mother after her being in hospital care for 31 days. 

I got the call on Thursday of last week and I announced the happy news to my mother. Only a few hours later, I got a call from her surgical team that her feeding tube had gotten pulled out. 

This hasn’t been the first time that I have been informed she could return home to only have something else unexpected happen. The paperwork to re-admit her was yet to be signed. 

I had four days of praying that this latest episode wouldn’t interfere with her re-admission on Monday while proceeding with getting her possessions out of storage and set up as it was before to maintain the illusion as if she had never left. 

It goes against my nature to lie but in this instance, I recognize the importance of trying to give her a sense of stability and safety. So, lie, I must.

I’ve witnessed my mother’s mental health rapidly decline this past month (she has a combination of dementia and Alzheimer’s) simply because she’s not been in the right environment. A hospital room is not a home. 

She has been moved around like you would do with laundry; placed in one pile, thrown into the washer, tossed into the dryer, dumped into another basket to maybe finally reach some tender hands that will put you in a place where you feel you belong and can rest. 

She didn’t know if she was coming or going. It’s not like she was consulted if she was agreeable to being moved. I wasn’t even informed either. I’d discover it when I called or went to visit her. 

She’s had no less than 40 temporary beds in just under 6 months. I wouldn’t be able to speak to how many people she’s shared her room with. Most were with her 2-3 days and then discharged. Staff rotations and changing assignments also means there’s never a familiar face for her other than my own.

I opted not to use the patient transfer service because she would have been transported by ambulance on a stretcher with more strangers and not even able to look out the window. Plus, she’s enjoyed going for car rides with me recently. I felt this was in her best interest. 

On Monday, my mother was informed she was leaving but she didn’t understand where she was going. Her anxiety was so high she wasn’t able to string together words to make a coherent sentence and she was experiencing delusions. This also impacted her mobility and ability to follow instructions. I had to do all the lifting, unassisted.

I’ve needed to be there for my mother this week to help with her transition. This woman has an incredible Will and I’ve seen daily improvements. I am optimistic that we will be able to resume our book project, “I have memory loss”, in the coming weeks.

So, yes, this week has been very hard on me, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I apologize that this newsletter is more personal rather than educational but perhaps you can still find some inspiration about the importance of your mental health and to never take it for granted.

Personally, these 6 months of being a caregiver to my mother have been worth it. I am grateful to be starting a new chapter with my mother.

Thanks for taking the time to read my work. Your continued support is deeply appreciated.

Stay tuned for next week’s article on understanding the pendulum swing between under-caring and over-caring.

I invite you to send me your questions, comments, or topic suggestions. Your feedback is always appreciated.

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If you liked what you read and feel it may resonate with someone you know, please share my newsletter so we can end the silence around Mental Health Matters.

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If you missed it the first time, you can read about my mother’s story here: