Healing from Sexual Trauma - Part Three
The Vessel of Love - Heal Thy Self
Last week I left you at the very beginning of my journey of learning to love myself by learning to love my body. I had lost my way in life - without knowing myself, I knew not what to follow.
Part of that journey included my yoga practice. I discovered yoga as a child. It had once been one of my coping mechanisms, but I could only do it privately to avoid the judgmental comments of others who had no experience with it.
Some people only know yoga as a practice of body postures and breath work. However, the root meaning of the word yoga is union. You may wonder, union with what? Union with yourself, for starters. The aim of yogic practices is self-understanding, leading to union with the divine.
With my realization of my over dependence on my relationship with my husband, I had learned the hard lesson as an autistic person that even though it felt like I only needed one person in my life to give me that sense of belonging, the realization that that’s unfair to the other person and that I needed to expand my circle of friends was something I began to work on consciously. I did this by finding group activities that I enjoyed, like yoga.
During this period of a major life transition from partnership to independence, I also suffered from PTSD which had been triggered by a car accident.
I live in the country, so participating in group activities or buying basic supplies required leaving the safety and comfort of my home and driving. Albeit a relatively short drive of 25 minutes without having to contend with any major highways or high volumes of traffic. Just a need to be watchful for wildlife - the very catalyst for my PTSD.
For me, this took heroic efforts. I white knuckled the steering wheel. I forgot to breathe. It left me completely exhausted, necessitating three days to recover from the experience. My life was all about managing my supply of energy, which was quickly expended on mundane tasks.
Nonetheless, I was determined and committed to rebuilding a life for myself.
I started by going once a week to a yoga class. With time, I was able to increase it to twice a week. Eventually, I worked up to three times a week.
It was a safe environment. We greeted each other with open arms and non-sexual hugs. We all shared the same goal of supporting and nurturing our relationship with our bodies. If you happened to fart during a pose no one commented on it. It was silently accepted as a healthy release from your body.
Yet, I still felt like a prisoner in my body and my life despite my intellectual capacity to see that I was a free woman.
I had emotional support in therapy, but I was still living with PTSD six years after the triggering incident.
I’ve been driven my whole life to evolve as an individual and here I was stuck on the same plateau I’d been on for six years. I was feeling frustrated with myself.
Then our yoga instructor made an announcement. A trip to India, Rishikesh, “the yoga capital of the world” (source: Wikipedia) was being planned. I knew instantly from every fiber of my being; I had to go! Before my mind could protest, I said “YES, I’m in!”.
Me, the insecure and shy girl!?
Yes, of course, I was a grown woman but, in that instance, I felt like that younger version of myself being BOLD. Thus far in my life, I had travelled across Canada and I’d only ventured as far as Plattsburgh and Lake George, just a little south of the border. My experience of cultural diversity was limited to North America. I had yet to truly immerse myself in another culture.
If driving to my local city was pushing my boundaries, I was about to take a wrecking ball to my comfort zone.
I knew I was about to have a life experience unlike anything I’ve ever had before just from my experience of the airport in New Delhi. Was I even inside a building? It seemed like animals roamed free everywhere? I went to use the facilities before the long drive to Rishikesh and discovered a hole in the floor where a toilet should have been and a woman perpetually mopping the floor. Oh no, get me out of here! Panic took over. What the hell am I going to do?!? This was a 15-day stay.
No time to think. Stay with my group for safety.
Thankfully this next phase of my journey was under the cover of night. I had no idea of the dangers on the road. I just needed to keep breathing as best as I could with a scarf covering my face to act as a filter against the air pollutants.
It was daybreak as we entered the villages leading to our drop off point. The contrast of living conditions within such a dense population was striking.
Another unexpected unknown, we’d have to walk the last part to our guest house as large vehicles weren’t permitted in Rishikesh.
Once at our guest house, I didn’t bother with pleasantries. I took the first room available. I wasn’t interested in exploring the guest house to determine which room had the best view. I just wanted the safety of a small closed space. I closed the door and sat on the bed and cried. How was I going to survive this trip?
I remind you here of my core wound, I felt everyone and everything was against me. That I didn’t belong anywhere. If you understand what that feels like, it’s a profound emptiness. This core wound isn’t just about not feeling like I belonged but is a deep distrust in humanity and life.
And there I was, alone in a foreign country with a group of more-or-less strangers without even the comfort of my service dog. These people would have to become my lifeline.
Another thing I had agreed to when I signed up for this trip was to have the experience of being blindfolded for one day. For that period, I also agreed to refrain from speaking. However, at all times, I would have one person supporting my needs and I would fully participate in the day’s activities.
I didn’t know what day exactly this would happen. Many expressed a desire to have this experience and we couldn’t all go at the same time for obvious reasons. As it turned out, I was the first person to be selected for the experiment.
The day of someone came to my door and gently knocked on my door. I was instructed that I could only communicate yes or no through head gestures and a hand signal to indicate when I needed assistance to be escorted to a toilet. Yes, thankfully Rishikesh had toilets, just not toilet paper.
A scarf was tied around my eyes and I was led to the rooftop for our morning yoga practice. This was followed by breakfast at the family restaurant a short walk from our guest house. It was where we gathered each morning after our yoga practice to decide the course of our day. Who wanted to do what?
The food was delightful and every day I would try something different from the menu. This was a whole new experience. I had to learn how to feed myself without sight. I was determined to feed myself, not have someone feed me! Truly savoring each bite while being in the middle of all the activity around me, an experience I would not generally be comfortable with even in familiar surroundings and amongst friends.
These strangers had quickly become my closest friends. Listening to their conversations and laughter. I was enveloped with the warmth of their presence and their love for life. I wasn’t just there. They saw me. They tended to my every need. They maintained contact with me through their words or gentle touches.
We opted to attend a spiritual talk being given by a local guru.
It was a long trek to the ashram. Can you imagine me, someone who had high levels of anxiety driving on relatively empty roads, navigating to a location I had never been to before, blindfolded, with only the protection and guidance offered by one person within my group?
I’ve lived in Montreal, Quebec, and experienced public transportation at rush hour and the discomfort of being too many people crammed into a small space.
But India has a significantly larger population than Canada. In 2023, India’s population was 1.438 billion compared with Canada’s 40.1 million! Then factor in the size difference between our two countries.
Add to this scene, cows casually roaming the streets and narrow footbridges. Shops that are not closed in and spill out onto the streets. Why not? Cows came and went from the shops too. And yes, cows shit wherever.
Not everyone is on foot either. Many ride scooters and they ride a scooter as if it were a bus! Entire families on one scooter! Or a scooter looked more like a pack mule overloaded with supplies.
The other common vehicle in India is tuk tuks, these small three-wheeled taxis with no doors and no seat belts that look like they’re going to tip over at any moment, often filled beyond capacity.
There were absolutely no rules to traffic flow. It looked like CHAOS yet to get through this experience blindfolded required that I surrender myself to the moment and trust I was being supported.
I won’t chronicle every detail… the sudden downpour and flash flood leaving the ashram, two more dining experiences, taking a shower still blindfolded and hunting for the dropped soap, to finally falling asleep still blindfolded.
After a few hours of dreamless sleep, I woke to a wave of tears. They poured from me, unrestrained, like that sudden flash flood earlier in the day, washing the streets clean.
The full magnitude of the experience would take more time to process. I had been transformed. There was a freshness and beauty everywhere now.
Before this experience, I didn’t feel safe in my country and I didn’t feel safe in my body.
You’re probably familiar with the trust experiment of falling backwards, trusting that the person behind you will catch you. This experiment was that, times one million!
I didn’t have that kind of trust in people. What I knew was a cycle of bonds made and bonds broken. Children have an innocence about life and trust in people until they learn that they cannot trust.
Being autistic, I was already super sensitive to life but after I was raped, I became hyper vigilant. Reading every shift. Anticipating. Analyzing. Predicting. Keeping my guard up at all times and still I got hurt. That behavior wasn’t just my shadow, it became a survival strategy that, with time, obscured the core of my being that wasn’t wounded, and that held the power to choose a different path.
In giving up my sight for one day, I relinquished the certainty of what is perceived, and of all I knew to be true. I surrendered to the unknown. I had to lean into my other senses, deepening my connection with my body. This experience helped me tap into my authority, the way I say yes or no without words, and to stay safe despite the chaos.
It wasn’t all about those who supported me throughout my day as they guided me. I had to trust my instincts that clearly said I was safe amongst this sea of strangers. It was another kind of intimacy, not sexual by any means but profoundly intimate nonetheless. This was about trusting humanity.
My experience in India restored my trust in humanity and taught me how to be in my flow within chaos.
I came back to Canada with a new appreciation for my life; For the freedoms and security I have.
For the people of India, I will always feel deeply grateful for how they treated me like a movie star.
Namaste India
To my fellow writers here on Substack, perhaps, this is your trust experiment - writing into the void to discover that you are not alone and there is a community waiting to support you too.
If you know someone who would like to receive my newsletter, please share and help me reach more readers like you or give me a “like” at the bottom of the page - if you liked it, of course - so that it feeds into the algorithm to help increase my visibility. Thank You!
My publication is free and open to everyone because I strongly believe Mental Health should be accessible to all regardless of one’s financial capacity. If you would like to show your support and appreciation for my work, you may make a monetary gift through the link below.
If you want to receive my newsletters in your inbox, be sure to subscribe below. Thank you for your support!
For my human design enthusiasts, because there is already a lot to take in and more to follow, I have decided to provide this additional reflection as a separate article at a later date.
Thank you for your patience and understanding.
FREE Intimacy Workshop
Intimacy starts with ourselves and it impacts our relationships with others.
Grace Gravestock and Know Yourself Revolution will be offering this workshop again.
The theme is, the intimacy breakthrough experience: Unlock deeper connections
WHEN: Saturday, April 19th, 2025
Time: ⏰ 8am PST / 10am CST / 11pm EST / 5pm SAST
This is a Live Zoom meeting and is limited to 100 people.
Recordings will NOT be available. For all the details please check out this registration LINK