Hero to Zero
A People Pleaser Complex
As a former people pleaser, I experienced this pendulum swing. One moment I was being praised for being a Hero and the next, at the slightest deviation from capitulatory behavior, being treated like nothing.
At the root of this complex - in my case - having been raped as a toddler and going to my mother’s bedside for help only to be sent away, I found myself alone in the bathroom taking care of myself.
I learned to comfort myself at a very young age.
I learned I couldn’t trust others that by all rights, I should have been able to.
I learned I couldn’t depend on others and it was “me, myself, and I” from that day onwards.
I learned to navigate life as a people pleaser as a survival strategy to avoid being hurt. Not to gain other’s approval but to avoid the hurt of asking for help and being disappointed when they didn’t show up for me. Asking for help made me feel vulnerable and still does. There’s a feeling of being naked and exposed when I ask for help.
It wasn’t the rape that was most traumatizing for me. It was not being seen and cared for by my mother when I was hurt that caused my deepest wounds.
Yes, the rape caused other wounds in my psyche which I may write about another time.
When I started to work through the wounds connected to this life-changing experience - of having my innocence taken from me - I took a psychological test and it revealed how deeply I distrusted people. I scored 97%. Meaning, I trusted people no more than 3% of the time. With such a high distrust factor, I wasn’t going to allow myself to be vulnerable around others. I wouldn’t ask for help because I expected they would let me down. To avoid being disappointed, I simply didn’t ask for help.
This word, DISAPPOINTMENT, seems so trivial, doesn’t it? We experience it when someone says, “I’m sorry” when they can’t or don’t follow through with something. On the surface, the offense may be minor; you were supposed to get together but something else came up. Plans change.
“I’m sorry, we can get together another time”. Seems harmless, right?
But you made plans. You set time aside. You made yourself available to someone who then doesn’t show up for you. You feel disappointed but say “it’s ok, you understand, life happens”.
The feeling of DISAPPOINTMENT is connected to the need to be recognized, to be seen, and heard, which leads to feelings of trust and security. Over time that feeling of DISAPPOINTMENT isn’t as benign as you think. It is toxic to relationships because it represents emotional deprivation.
No one can live in these extremes of Hero to Zero. No one can be Superman or Wonder Woman all the time. Even Superheroes need to be loved and want to be seen for who they are otherwise it makes for a very lonely existence. It’s a heavy burden to carry, to try to satisfy other’s expectations of you and too often by sacrificing your own needs.
When you do reveal that you’re not a superhero, that you’re human, how do you get treated? Like you’re nothing? This is emotional and psychological manipulation. FOG is the greatest weapon of emotional blackmailers. FOG stands for fear, obligation, and guilt and is once again out of this need for recognition.
I don’t want to demonize emotional blackmailers. They are wounded people too. Narcissists fall into this category of emotional blackmailers. Whatever the label though, we’re all human, with different coping strategies based on our conditioning.
I’ve written about the four aura types according to Human Design of Generators, Projectors, Manifestors, and Reflectors. This is how our energy fields connect us from the outside. We have one singular energy type.
However, we also have these energy frequencies on the inside as life force energy depending on what is defined in your HD. Without getting into all the technical jargon, what’s interesting to recognize is of these four energetic circuitries, we appear to have more projected channels than any other. What is the underlying vibration of projected channels? Recognition. If you have a projected channel defined in your HD and it’s not recognized, you experience bitterness. When these channels are NOT defined in your body graph, it’s white. Everything white is experienced like a Reflector and you experience disappointment. We are all conditioned through whatever is undefined or white in our body graphs.
Disappointment is part of life.
A blank body graph is our underlying architecture, the foundation of what it is to be human. Everything white in our body graphs allows us to sample life, to taste it and either feel disappointed or surprised.
In our efforts to avoid pain, we’re focused on the potential negative outcome not on our desired outcome. In essence, I wasn’t looking where I wanted to go in my life. I was always looking in the rearview mirror. This is conditioning.
Getting 97% on emotional deprivation was a wakeup call for me. It meant I felt my needs were being met about 3% of the time. I realized I would never get my needs met if I didn’t learn how to speak up for myself and learn to ask for help. No wonder I felt alone and unsupported!
Being strong and independent and behaving like a people pleaser though attracts emotional blackmailers which perpetuates the cycle. I also didn’t recognize that I was invalidating myself by being so fiercely independent which also created the drive to people please, “To be a good person”. If I could say confidently, “I’m a good person”, I expected I would feel good about myself. But I didn’t.
Instead, I felt drained and suffered from chronic fatigue. Now, I understand that’s because I wasn’t using my Sacral energy correctly.
When you find the courage to break this pattern by asking for help (which includes being able to accept disappointment) you will also meet resistance from the emotional blackmailers in your life. Eventually, they will disappear from your life because they are takers, not givers. You will, with time, form new friendships with people who see you, accept you as human and support you.
It takes time, resilience, and self-respect.
Peace be with you.
Reflections
How would you rate your trust of others?
Do you expect to be disappointed by people and therefore you don’t bother asking for help?
Were your emotional needs met in early childhood?
Are you going through life trying to keep yourself safe and avoid being hurt by others?
Are you satisfied with this new newsletter format? Feel free to message me with your feedback or questions.
If You Missed My Notes Related to This Topic:
Where my story began:
About Mindset and beliefs:
Self-Regulation:
Honorable mention to my Subscribers:
If you’re new to my publication, remember to check out my other articles!
You’ll also find Human Design Resources with all the links you’ll need to start exploring your HD. I have recently updated this resource page. There is now a list of available books through Amazon related to the subjects I have covered.
This list is sure to grow!
The part about disappointment stacking up as emotional deprivation really got to me. I’ve spent a lot of my life not asking for help for the same reasons you described. It felt safer not to need anyone than to be let down again. Your words put something into focus I hadn’t quite named before. Thank you for sharing this.