Your Word Is Your Bond

Spare Me Your Verbal Diarrhea

I have been taught to keep my professional life separate from my personal life but as a writer, I have to break that taboo if I want to talk about the fears of the solar plexus, of our emotional system.

I have to open up about what I've been going through since March 29^th.  As of my debut on Substack, my mother was admitted to hospital with a life-threatening condition. I had to make difficult decisions for her without any certainty of my decisions or the outcome. She spent two weeks in the hospital and was able to return home – to long-term care – with strict restrictions on her lifestyle. Unfortunately, she struggled to adapt and her health continued to deteriorate. She was at risk of sleeping herself to death.

Once again, she has been hospitalized for the last two weeks. Any kind of invasive medical procedure is a high risk for her. We opted for the least invasive solution but there were complications. She was in intensive care and the prognosis wasn’t favorable and we had to prepare for the worst-case scenario – that she wouldn’t survive. The next 72 hours were touch and go. The doctors had done all they could for her. The rest was/is up to her body to find the strength to heal and recover. There is nothing I can do other than be by her side. She is no longer in ICU, as I write this article however, she remains in hospital care.

I’m able to be by my mother’s bedside to attend to her needs, while I temporarily dismiss my own because I have this gate of grace (gate 22) in my Human Design. One of the gifts of the gate of grace is that I can be the eye of the storm. I'm able to remain calm (sometimes seen as indifferent) when facing the unknown. It’s a gate of deep FAITH and an ability to surrender to life.

This gate naturally knows how to be attentive to others. It's how I'm able to sit uncomfortably for hours, holding both my mother's hands to prevent her from pulling out any of the tubes in her body as she can be a danger to herself when she's not in a state of self-awareness. It's how I'm able to tend to her needs; to moisten her lips and apply Chapstick because she's been denied even a mouthful of water; or to wash her face and apply cream to her hands and face to help her feel clean and fresh with being confined to a bed for so long; or to sit and read to her when she is awake and aware; or to simply sit in silence when she isn't awake. It’s about being present for the other person free from expectations of anything in return.

What were/are my fears during this time? Her dying? No. I not only accept death as part of life, I see it as our reward; to finally be freed from our physical bodies and freed from suffering.

My biggest fear if she died was not having the opportunity to complete our project of publishing her book series, “I have memory loss”, for people with dementia or Alzheimer's and their caregivers.

What ignited this passion in me to help her realize this project was when she expressed to me that one of the things she's had to face with memory loss is how people no longer value what she has to say – this struck a cord in me, my gate of grace (gate 22) in my Human Design body graph.

Yes, she has short-term memory loss, so she can have a conversation that’s like a feedback loop because she can tell the same story over and over and over again. Or ask the same question, even though I just answered it. It’s the nature of this impairment.

I see memory loss more as a disability or a limitation (and we all have limitations) and as a caregiver, it is my role to assist her with the gaps in her memory without imposing my will on her.

The response by some people when dealing with others with memory loss is to stop showing up in their lives. They stop asking how they are doing. They stop having any expectations that they can contribute anything in life. We put them in long-term care homes and as long as their basic survival needs are met, hygiene, shelter, and food, there isn't very much concern about whether or not they get to engage in life or otherwise be social. But they are still human beings and should be treated with dignity. They have emotions just like everyone else. And I feel they still have something of value to contribute if we just listen long enough.

I’m sure many seniors can relate to this feeling of not having anyone to listen to them because no one values what they have to say anymore. This leads to feelings of emptiness and despair.

Anyone with the gate of caution (gate 12) defined in the throat center can also relate to this feeling; “Is anyone listening?” and the need to be heard that the gate of grace offers them.

Anyone with the channel known by its characteristic as the “genius to freak” (gates 23-43) also seeks to connect with those with this energy from the gate of grace with its profound capacity to listen because it is open to hearing new and unusual ideas.

My biggest fear is if my mother dies before we get to complete writing our book together, to tell her story. I can't do it without her. I need her voice. I can help her structure the storyline but I can’t speak for her. Trusting in divine timing is the only thing that helps me manage this fear. Everything has its own timing. Right timing is not something I have control over. If it’s meant to be, it will be.

In my Human Design, my solar plexus is undefined or open and I have the gate of grace or disgrace defined (colored in red). Every gate has a duality to it. What it means for me to have this open solar plexus is that I can empathize with others. I take their emotions in. Others’ suffering becomes my suffering. It’s not something I can turn off. The only way I can protect myself is with physical distancing. While the world suffered from physical distancing during the COVID-19 pandemic, I was unaffected by it.

When I respect my true nature, I have this quality of grace. I am trusting of others. I am open and vulnerable. But my vulnerability is not a weakness. It is my strength. I do not reject what is perceived as unusual or different. I see beauty where others do not.

If I am operating from my conditioned self (all the white parts in the Human Design body graph) then it’s the gate of disgrace or dishonor and I have failed to respect my integrity. That’s when I can fall into a pit of despair and emptiness; life loses its essence for me.

My ultimate goal with my writing is to transform your suffering and that potential extends from the gate of grace. The core wounds of humanity are repression, denial, shame, rejection, guilt, and separation. [Source: The Gene Keys by Richard Rudd, page 169] My Incarnation Cross is the Left Angle Cross of Separation. I carry this wound of separation – to be cut off from others, emotionally and spiritually. To stand alone in life. It has been my deepest suffering. It is also my life purpose; it has been my journey to understanding that we are never alone and we’re all connected.

The purpose of the gate of grace is to connect with others on a deep emotional level, to seek out their spirit, and to bring in the potential of mutation, and transformation on a spiritual level. It’s to lift you out of your shadow and connect you with your highest self, your true self.

I’ve been gifted with this cosmic imprint, the gate of grace. I don't have to work at it. It's just there in my energy field. It’s what keeps me grounded. It’s one of the things that makes me special, and unique. How this shows up in my life is how strangers spontaneously open up to me about their life problems which motivated me to become a life coach. However, no one really needs my advice. They just needed to be guided back to their true nature, to reconnect with their inner authority. Mostly, people just want to be heard and feel understood. They want to be seen for who they are and the gate of grace can offer this to them.

One of the fears of this gate of grace is the fear of stagnation. From a very young age, I was captured by the concept of enlightenment. If I could obtain enlightenment, then I would be freed from my form. It’s about individual growth; evolving not just intellectually but also emotionally and spiritually.

My growth is important but it is not enough for me to grow alone. I must be in service to others, as is true for anyone with a Left Angle Cross, to help others evolve, which is fine and dandy when it pertains to strangers. Less so, when you’re in an intimate relationship. I need a partner that can grow with me otherwise they will get left behind. This isn’t just because of my gate of grace. I also have the gate of change (gate 35) and the channel of transformation (gates 32-54). And then I’m a generator, and we are designed to be self-aware and are driven by results. It’s very difficult to talk about any aspect of Human Design in complete isolation because it does need to be seen within the whole picture. (See my body graph below)

Everyone has their own life path. Given my Individuality, I can accept being rejected by others. I can accept when someone doesn’t share my point of view. I can accept that I cannot help everyone. I can accept that some people prefer to live their lives in ignorance. They prefer to not know, not to ask questions, and to not have awareness. This doesn’t mean that they’re happy with the status quo of life. They tend to blame others for their unhappiness. I can offer these people a lifeline that could potentially transform them and they don’t accept this lifeline. That is their choice. I accept that and move on.

I’m also very acoustically attuned because of this definition in my being. In Human Design it is said to be connected to the left ear. I hear everything that's being said, but I also hear what isn't being said. My gate of grace can cut through all the bullshit people try to distract others with. I’m a very good listener – when I’m in the mood. This gate always lets others talk first but please spare me your verbal diarrhea!

There is also a potential for melancholy because it is experienced as one of the emotional waves of passion to despair. Certain sounds, like the timbre of someone’s voice, arouse me while other sounds unsettle me. Music, love songs, and sweet words softly spoken light me up. I do not enjoy talking about the weather or other superficial things in life. I want to talk about the things that bring meaning to life. And there it is, what I fear most is not having anything of value to listen to. I will feel betrayed when I am open with someone and they’re not open with me. Heaven forbids should they lie to me for this is the ultimate disgrace to themselves as well as to me.  

Your word is your bond because the power of manifestation and emotions are directly interconnected through those two channels, the channel of openness (gates 12-22) and the channel of transitoriness between the throat center and the solar plexus.

If there's anything this gate of grace can teach others, it is to take responsibility for your emotions and not project them onto others. No one is responsible for your happiness but yourself. Stop blaming others when you're not happy. Stop blaming others for how you feel. Stop blaming life for your unhappiness. Happiness is an internal state. It has nothing to do with outside factors. Only you are responsible for your internal state. It’s not healthy to repress what you feel. Emotions are not meant to be controlled. They are meant to be experienced. When you sweep your emotions under the carpet, this dishonors you because you are denying yourself and that is a disgrace and a disservice to yourself as well as others. You cannot show up as yourself if you don’t take responsibility for your emotional baggage.

Thanks for reading Mental Health Matters!

What was your biggest takeaway from this publication?

Remember, we’re assembling a puzzle and I’m only delivering one piece at a time. Each piece will require time to process on your own. Questions or comments are welcome.

---

If what you just read piques your interest and you want to hear more, I invite you to subscribe to my newsletter. I will also explore other Mental Health Matters through the lens of Human Design.

---

Next Time…

I have decided to change how I do things. I will no longer be providing what is traditionally expected, a sneak peek at what’s coming in the weeks to come as this goes against my Human Design.

I am designed to respond. So, I am inviting my readers to ask me a question about their Human Design - perhaps, on something that has been covered in one of my articles that you need some clarification on. I will give priority to my subscribers who are not my friends although my friends are still welcome to ask me questions.

Please direct message me your question along with your birth information (date, time, and place of birth) with the understanding that I may answer your question on this public platform. However, I will not share your birth information or identify you by name. I may use your body graph in my response.

Disclaimer: I am a student of Human Design. I do not claim to be an expert in Human Design. Anyone can claim to be an expert when they have more experience in something than someone else. If you’re new to Human Design, I only appear to be an expert because I have more knowledge than you do at this time. Keep in mind, even certified analysts will have their unique way of communicating what they see in your body graph and no two answers will be the same.

If you know someone who would like to receive my newsletter please share and let’s get the conversation started about Mental Health Matters so that no one ever feels alone.

---

Resources

Why Human Design? (jovianarchive.com)

Get your Human Design body graph here: Get Your Chart (jovianarchive.com)

Get your Free Personalized Human Design Report, a 19-page overview that introduces you to your design and describes your Type, Strategy, Authority, Defined and Undefined Centers, and Profile. This introduction to your design starts you on your path to self-discovery. Chart Reports - IHDS (ihdschool.com)

Find a Certified Professional in Human Design to get a comprehensive chart analysis, also called a foundation reading: Certified Human Design Professionals - IHDS (ihdschool.com)

More on Human Design; Here are links to vast archives of stories and articles including audio and video files on Human Design:

Stories & Articles (jovianarchive.com) and

Free Resource Library - IHDS (ihdschool.com)

The Daily View; Following the Sun’s transit through the 64 gates: IHDS (ihdschool.com)